Episode 123

Am I Going To Die?

Published on: 5th September, 2026

Transcript
Speaker:

Hey, it's Vinnie.

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Um

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It's a Friday afternoon

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I don't know if you'd call it a

typical Friday, but it's Friday

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afternoon, Labor Day weekend,

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whatever that is

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I've done quite a few recordings lately.

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A lot of it was health related

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You know, the physical pain that you

go through, those different phases of

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surgery and recovery and therapy and

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all those other things that

happen during that phase

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There's a beginning,

middle, and there's an end

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And you kind of

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Take inventory of

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What's important?

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2020 when my, uh, driver's license

was revoked because of eyesight.

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It started a chain of events that

brought me to today with this last

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August 2026, and a little bit before,

actually sometime before that, but

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Losing my sight It was pretty devastating

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You know, you have the confidence

in the, the medical profession to

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do the right thing to make sure

that they don't, you know, fuck up

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And you hope to gosh that, you

know, they get it right and

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the stresses that you go through

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And all of a sudden your vision's gone

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Was it my fault?

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Did I not take care of myself?

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Did I not heed warnings?

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Did I not preemptive- preemptively take

care of it so that it wouldn't happen?

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I, I, you know, a lot of that

I had no, no, no control over.

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There were things that were done

internally to my body with the

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shingles back in the '80s that

lay dormant for 35, 40 years

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And then a fluke of a cataract surgery

that exposed it, and the doctor who

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misdiagnosed it for almost six, seven,

eight months, whatever it was, kept

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on saying, "Gotta heal, gotta heal."

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Well, uh, it didn't heal.

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It didn't heal

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And then you get so preoccupied with one

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catastrophe, you forget about others.

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And I'm going somewhere

with this, I think.

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I, I, I've got so much stuff

going through my head right now

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that, um, if I didn't sit here and

do this, it would never be said

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As I sat there in the doctor's office

those weeks and weeks, and my sister

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would take me and, you know, oh, it's

gotta heal, gotta heal, you know?

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And surgery went well, um, you know,

and came out of it and I was sitting

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on the lanai looking outside going,

"Wow, these colors are just beautiful."

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And I was talking to some friends of

mine who had cataract surgery, and they

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were telling me about their experiences

and I said, "Wow, that's good," you

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know, something to look forward to.

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And, and then it turned to shit

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And it became such a preoccupation

with me that I, uh, neglected to, um,

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have some other routine physicals done.

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My annual didn't get my teeth done.

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Um, it just…

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You know, I was so engulfed and

en-encompassed with the loss of

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eyesight, and it was kinda ironic

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my hip was gone before that.

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The hip went out maybe six,

eight months before that.

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I was involved in a relationship at that

time that I thought was going somewhere

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building a, a little bit of a future

and helping them out financially and

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having trust in him To just be abandoned

and left at the altar as soon as it got

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rough and tough But that's okay you know?

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It's not my first time that I gave and

in end got the short stick And that's not

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where I'm going with this; I'm just saying

that y-y-you have certain people in your

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life that come in and some go Some that

will always be there There are some that

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just-- Y-Y-You think "My gosh if they

hadn't been there Where would I be now?"

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And, and, you know, there were a lot

of people, and I'm, I'm not gonna

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go through to the list of them.

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There, there were lots of people that were

involved who were helpful, encouraging

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And, uh, it was a, a, a period of

my life, you know, I turned 70.

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My health was pretty good.

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I mean, I wasn't suffering from any

major ailments other than stupidity

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As I started going through the,

the phase of, "Oh my gosh, I could

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be blind the rest of my life.

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How am I going to cope?

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How am I going to do things?

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How am I gonna get around?

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Am I gonna be stuck in this

environment that I'm in?"

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That I'm thankful I had,

you know, my sister.

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Otherwise, I'd have been shit outta luck.

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And, uh, she had to put up with a lot

of things that I was going through and,

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you know, that's not fair to anyone

to have to take some of the burden

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or some of the, the negative shit

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I, uh

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Didn't know what to do.

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Uh, I, I felt like I was totally helpless.

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And I did get some relief, and I think

it was like seven, eight months later

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Gosh, there was so

running through my head.

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I'm, I'm not sure if, if the cancer

was diagnosed first or did the doctor

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in Gain-- Maybe it was the Gainesville

doctor or the other doctor that I went

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to that had scraped my cornea and gave me

my vision back, and I think that was the

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time when I had the colonoscopy done, and

that's when they discovered the cancer.

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And I think all the stress of it

caused my vision to go back to where

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it was, where I couldn't see again.

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And, uh, it just got frustrating.

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Went to a couple of other doctors and,

uh, and you know, specialists and so on

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and so forth, and, and really got nowhere

with the vision part of it because at

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the time cancer was diagnosed, I had my

colonoscopy at the VA and, uh, they had

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to do two of them because it was so bad.

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And I think…

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Yeah, at that time I

didn't have my vision.

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I had lost my vision.

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And I'm there, the doctor comes in

with this diagram trying to show me

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what, you know, there is and that.

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I go, "Doctor, I can't see a thing."

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She wasn't really sure what the hell

happened and I explained her the

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story and she goes, "Oh my gosh."

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So I'm there at the VA in, in Tampa,

doctor diagnose him, me with cancer,

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and I think I was scheduled to go

back in and see the eye doctor about

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doing another procedure and she said,

"Well, you can't do that because we

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gotta get the cancer taken care of."

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And I go, "Okay.

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So I have to now set

my eyesight a-a-aside?"

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I mean, that was not a life

and death situation with my

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eyesight, but it was life.

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Um, the ability to, to function,

to get around, to, to do things on

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your own, and you don't know how

crippling it is until it happens.

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So the eyesight got put on the side

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And had the, uh, like I said, the

colonoscopy at the VA in Tampa.

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And the doctor gave me the diagnosis

and said, "Well, you know, we're

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gonna do some chemo, radiation, you

know, reevaluate it, and then see, you

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know, what we need to do surgically."

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I said, "Okay."

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"And when we do the surgery, you know,

we'll go in whatever's left of the cancer

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and try to cut out what needs to come out.

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We'll know more when we, you know, do

the other X-rays or whatever they did,

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ultrasound," Whatever the sound…

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Whatever the….

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You know, I got, I got yelled at a

lot of times because I didn't know a

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lot of the technical things and the

doctors' names and the procedures.

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All I knew is I had my eyes, my ass,

and my hip all go out at the same time,

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and I knew them by the particular part

of the body that they functioned with.

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Yeah, I mean, there was Dr.

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España for the cancer, um, Dr.

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Bandowski for my hips, and, uh,

Doctor, um Oh, this is terrible.

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Cancer doctor.

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Oh, gosh.

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This is terrible.

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And, uh, the chemo and

the radiation doctors.

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Oh, geez.

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You would think I'd remember their names.

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They'll come to me.

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So, you know, I'm going through the

chemo and the radiation simultaneously.

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I would have radiation done at one

facility in Lecanto and then go

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across street and have chemo done.

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Uh, I know radiation was

like six, eight weeks.

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I know that it was in the

summer of twenty twenty-one.

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Yeah, because my birthday was coming

and, uh, Halloween I think it was

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twenty twenty-one, and we were doing

the, um, the, uh, the treatment

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for the cancer with the radiation

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And radiation treatment is, is, is

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Not as, um…

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What's the word?

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Not-- It's scary but

it's not, not painful.

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It's not, uh, invasive.

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It's basically lay there on a

table and the big old machine

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just zaps the shit out of you.

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Highly targeted.

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Um, everyone there was great, um,

that, uh, did the procedures on me.

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Ve-very meticulous as far as,

um, the process is concerned.

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I'll give you a little insight

into the, the radiation process.

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Um, they bring you in, you know,

they tell you that, you know, the

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area that, that they're gonna target

'cause the X-rays and this, the scans

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all showed where the cancer was.

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And they explained that it was gonna take,

I think, six or eight weeks or whatever

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it was, and they go in what they…

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Some certain types of dosages and

hits that they gotta do and target.

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And, uh, the first, the first time

you go in for the, the pre-counsel

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for the procedure, they have

you take off your shoes and they

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do a, um, a mold of your feet.

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And I asked, I said,

"Why are you doing this?"

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She goes, "Well, we'll

take your shoes off.

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We'll put these on so that we can place

you on the table in the exact same

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location every single time so that when

we do the, the k- the radiation, we

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can hit the right target every time."

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I go, "Well, that makes sense."

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So, you know, the radiation

was probably the least painful.

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Very intrusive though.

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I mean, it's radiation that

they're throwing into your system.

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And you lay there, and they put

you on the table, and they say,

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"Don't move," and you don't move.

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And, and then y- you know, this

big old machine, they, they put

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you up a little higher and then

they slide you into this tube.

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And mine was at my waist 'cause it was

my, my ass that was being targeted,

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so it wasn't, you know, near my head

or my chest or anything like that.

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So it was basically my, my pelvic section.

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So I'm laying on my back and,

uh, the machine goes off, you

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know, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta

and then ehhh, and it makes

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all these freaking noises.

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And in the background, they've

got music playing in the

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background, which was kind of neat.

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And they ask, "What kind of

music do you like to listen to?"

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And I said, "Well, I like,

you know, rock, oldies."

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So in the background, I had an

oldie station or whatever it

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was playing or on a, on a loop.

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And you'd lay there, and

the machine would go off.

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At about the fourth or fifth session

that week, I started catching a pattern

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to the music and to the machine and

how many rotations this machine…

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A-and again, I'm blind.

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I cannot see this thing.

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I-- During this entire

process, I had no vision.

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I mean, yeah, I had vision in my

right eye, but it wasn't as good

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as it, it got later on, like years

later on after my cataract surgery.

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But, uh, you know, I could,

I could see big stuff.

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I couldn't focus on anything, so, you

know, I, I would go in there and, and,

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and they would, uh, they would do their,

um, their stuff, and you just lay there.

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So I think about, like I said, the

third or fourth session, I said

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to the, um, the nurse or the tech,

I said, "Oh, that's interesting.

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That took only four songs."

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And they go, "What?"

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I said, "I'm listening to the

music in the background," and

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each song's are about 30…

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three minutes and 30 seconds,

someplace in that timeframe.

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So, you know, it took

about 15, 20 minutes.

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Prep took, you know, 20 minutes just

to prep you to get you set to go,

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and, you know, they would do their

thing and, and you get up, put your

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shoes on, and, "See you tomorrow."

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You leave.

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Then I'd go across the street to

the chemo center in the beginning

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there, and, uh, that was right

across the street from it in Lecanto.

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That was, I think of everything that

I did, the most, um, challenging

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My dad had chemo done at the same

center, and I think my mom went

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there for some stuff, some tests.

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And, you know, you go in and they take

your weight and your height and your

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blood, and then they tell you, you

know, "This is what we're going to do.

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You know, we're going to inject you

with this poison, and we hope it kills

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everything and doesn't kill you."

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They didn't say it that way, but,

you know, that's kinda how I felt.

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You know, they're gonna kill

whatever's in you somehow, some way.

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And I, uh, said okay.

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And, you know, I, I, I got yelled

at a lot for, you know, "Well,

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well what, what did they say?

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How did…"

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You know?

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I asked one important

question: "Am I going to die?"

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They go, "You could if you don't

do this and if it doesn't work."

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I said, "Fair enough."

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I said, "I'm-- I, I'm not g- asking you

to guarantee that I'm going to live.

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I know I'm going to die.

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It's…

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That's inevitable.

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It's gonna happen.

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Maybe not here, maybe not tomorrow, maybe

not next week, but i- I'm gonna die."

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So I, I, I took it in stride.

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Um, they said it's gonna

be a little bit painful.

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Okay.

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And it's gonna stink.

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Okay.

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And, um, they, uh, you know, give you

your pre-counsel on how they're gonna do

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this, and he looked at my veins in my arms

and he goes, "You got really good veins."

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I go, "Thank you."

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He said, "You know, we may be able

to do another procedure to make

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it a little bit easier on you."

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I said, "Okay."

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"Instead of us, you know, shooting in

your veins and messing up your really

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good veins, we can put a, a chemo

pump in your left or right shoulder."

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I said, "Oh, okay."

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So made an appointment, go

to Seven Rivers Hospital.

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Ironically, um, that hospital

is where my dad passed away.

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That hospital is the hospital that

my family brought into Citrus County.

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That hospital I helped build.

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I actually sold them the land and helped

build that hospital from the ground up.

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Never been in that

hospital for any reason.

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Um, and all of a sudden, here I

am going in for a procedure in the

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hospital that, you know, I was involved

with its construction and sale.

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So I'm laying there, again, with no

vision, can't see what's going on.

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The nurses came in and, uh, they

were, you know, asking me questions

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saying this and I said, "Well

lady," … nurse says, "I can't see.

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Just explain to me what you're gonna do,

what you need me to do, and I'll do it."

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So she said, "Okay, what we're gonna do

is we're gonna shave, uh, inside your

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left and right shoulder blades inside

there and, uh, and the doctor will

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decide where they're gonna put the pump.

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They put a little pump inside

with a little port outside so that

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when you go to chemo they don't

have to stick you every time.

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They just plug you in and

pump the shit into you."

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And I go, "All right."

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So, uh, they prep me.

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Fell asleep, woke up and I got

this new pump and I said, "Can

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I pump other stuff in there?"

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They kinda laughed.

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So got the pump in and that's

when the chemo started And, you

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know, I used to get asked, you

know, "Well, what kind of chemo?

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What, what they using?

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What's the dosage?

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What's this?

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What's that?"

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I go, "Look, I asked one question.

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Am I gonna die?"

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"Well, if you don't do

this, you could die.

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Could, not will, but could."

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And I, I took it on faith, blind

faith, that they knew what they were

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doing because this is what they do,

and I wasn't going to interfere.

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And, and, and I had people get mad at me.

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"Why don't you know this?"

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I said, "Look-"

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I got a no other choice.

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If I don't do this, I'm gonna die.

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So I'm relying on the doctor who

actually worked on my dad years ago

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that he's doing the right thing and

if he isn't how am I gonna know?

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I'm not a doctor.

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I'm not gonna sit there and analyze every

procedure you do . And um, so, you know,

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I'm, I'm going through and every time

you walk in they, they, they take your

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blood, your pressure and all these other

things and the nurses are always going

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"Gaga goo-goo, you got great veins."

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You know, then…

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And they take my blood uh, all my

other vitals and I went from-- My

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weight was about 100 and oh maybe

170 at the time when I first started

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and I used to keep track of my

weight as I went on and it dropped,

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drop,ed drop and I still do it now.

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Well, I'm running about one forty

five to one fifty five maybe one

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sixty on a good day and I eat.

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My system since the chemo and the, and

the, and the surgery which I'm gonna get

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to i-in a while here ,my weight dropped.

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I eat.

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I'm not like I'm starving; I just,

I just don't put on the weight.

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So you sit there and, and, and this

was probably the hardest segment of all

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these procedures is sitting in the chemo

room and the nurses would go around and,

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you know set the pump up and they tell

you okay this is gonna take two hours

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or three hours for it to drip into your

system because they drip it in and you

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sit there and it, you know and it's just

drip, drip, drip and a lot of times I

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would just bring some headphones and

I'd listen to podcasts or music .And

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occasionally I'd listen to conversations

in the rooms and the nurses would be

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talking to people and there were a lot of

people in deep pain anguish Um, scared.

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You could hear it in their voices The

nurses were calm collective um very

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kind generous with their time and um

Just sitting in that room and there

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was probably twenty -five maybe thirty

people along the window line in middle

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we're all sitting near getting some

degree of,of chemo of some sortand

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you'd be laying there or sitting

there for hoursYou knowJust hours

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And in, in between that there were

other days that I would get radiation

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and then the radiation fell off

and there was no more radiation.

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It was just chemo.

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And at some point, um, they uh, said,

"Well we got this little pump machine

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that you can take," and we put it on you

and you, you'd take it for the weekend

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so you can get some on the week-- Uh,

d-no during the week and then you go

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down on the next week and yeah, they

take it off and refill it with your own

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little portable pump trying to maneuver

around that little puppy taking showers.

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Um, you know definitely it was

encas-case so it wasn't gonna be

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messed up if it got water on it but

you had your own little pump, you know?

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And in the middle of the night

it's going tick, tick, tick,

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tick and you can hear it.

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I mean it just…

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The sounds of silence when you can't see.

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Uh, the things that you hear that you

would have seen that you probably wouldn't

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have heard and all the driving that we

did my sister did and Dwayne and Pete

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and you know slew of others that, that

took me to appointments You know you know

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I, I got so good at hearing the road.

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I listened to the road; I knew exactly

where by the sound of the road So

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those other senses started kicking in.

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So sitting there , you know week

after week being pumped with poison Um

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Found out that, you know, they were

gonna do the surgery and, and at the VA.

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And my friend Pete and I started

looking for another doctor, and Dr.

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Morissette at Tampa General, we found

him through a friend of Pete's, some

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kind of relative, uh, that had contact,

and we called his office, gave him my

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story on a Monday, and we were in his

office like that Thursday or Friday.

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And, uh, had shown, you know, shown

him the stuff I had gotten from the VA.

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And he knew the doctor from the VA,

and one of his assistant doctors

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had worked with her at the VA.

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He said, "Go…

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Excellent surgeon."

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Uh, but the only thing with the VA

is, I say, hate to say this, but,

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you know, they just wanna cut ya

and bag ya and see ya out the door.

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Um, I, I, I'm, I'm gonna come

back on that a little bit.

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Throughout the entire-- every episode

that I had or any action I-- reaction or

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action I had with the VA was positive.

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There was, you know, I've

heard negative, negative.

365

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I mean, yeah, there, there

are some screw-ups in the VA.

366

:

But the, the d- the, the nurses, the

doctors, the practitioners that I dealt

367

:

with in Lecanto were great, um, 'cause

that's where the VA clinic is in Lecanto.

368

:

And the VA doctor that I had

in Gainesville was really good.

369

:

No, no, that wasn't V- to

get VA, that was Shands.

370

:

That was teaching hospital.

371

:

The VA doctor I had at T- in Tampa

at the Tampa VA was excellent.

372

:

She was great.

373

:

Her staff were great.

374

:

She explained everything to me and I said

to her, "Uh, are there any other choices?"

375

:

She goes, "No, we're just gonna go in

and, you know, we're gonna get out the

376

:

cancer, uh, after the radiation and

all that gets it, you know, confined

377

:

down to, you know, it's not a lot,

and then we'll just put a poop bag

378

:

on you and, you know, on your way."

379

:

Uh, and that's when we went into

high gear looking for alternatives.

380

:

And at the time, again, I have no vision,

no sight, and my hips are killing me.

381

:

My right hip is killing me.

382

:

My left hip was carrying the

load, and the hip's hurting.

383

:

And so we start making phone calls

and, uh, Pete was able to find Dr.

384

:

Morissette at Tampa General.

385

:

Called, like I said, on a Monday.

386

:

We're in his office on a Friday.

387

:

He looks at my report and

says, "Yeah, I can fix that."

388

:

And he asked about the chemo, where I

was in that process, and he said, "Okay,

389

:

here's what we gotta do," dot, dot,

dot, and scheduled me for surgery as

390

:

soon as I was cleared from the, uh, all

the procedures that I had to have done.

391

:

And in the interim, you know,

my eyesight's still gone.

392

:

So I'm going through this completely

blind having to depend on people to drive

393

:

me everywhere to go to appointments.

394

:

I mean, literally Tampa, Gainesville,

you know, Lecanto, wherever it was, I

395

:

had to be driven 'cause I couldn't see

396

:

And, uh, radiation was done.

397

:

The, uh, the eyes were put on the

back burner 'cause the cataract

398

:

surgery messed up my good eye, so

weren't gonna mess with those again.

399

:

And, um, radiation and chemo were done.

400

:

Surgery was scheduled

for, uh, Tampa General

401

:

And, uh, go down to have the surgery done.

402

:

And during the prep,

surgery prep, the doc…

403

:

Uh, the anesthesiologist

came in and asked questions.

404

:

Oh, um, the cancer, I mean,

um, the colonoscopy at the VA,

405

:

I had double colonoscopies.

406

:

Two in a back-bank, they were

back to back when I was diagnosed

407

:

with the cancer months before.

408

:

Um, I was in there, uh,

prepping for the colonoscopy.

409

:

My sister took me to Tampa, down to

the VA in Tampa, and you can't eat.

410

:

I got there into the room

about 5:00, food was coming in.

411

:

"Nope, can't have any food.

412

:

Start drinking your, you

know, your Kool-Aid here."

413

:

So I'm dousing this shit.

414

:

Next morning, go in for my

colonoscopy, roll me in.

415

:

Doctor said, "This, this, and this," and

I said okay, and then I, I'm out cold.

416

:

Wake up in the room and

I say, "Where's my food?"

417

:

She goes, "Oh, I got bad news for ya.

418

:

You gotta do this again tomorrow."

419

:

So I got a back-to-back colonoscopy.

420

:

I don't know if anyone, every-- any

of you ever had one done that way, but

421

:

the doctor at Tampa in the VA could

not get a probe far enough because

422

:

I was so full of shit, and I've

been told that by people for years.

423

:

And he goes, "Gonna have to

come back tomorrow again, okay?"

424

:

So I get rolled into the, uh, prep room,

and the anesthesiologist looks at me

425

:

and goes, "Weren't you here yesterday?"

426

:

I go, "Yeah, I bought

the two-for-one sale."

427

:

He just started laughing, and

they knocked me out and…

428

:

So that was the, you know,

the diagnosis of the cancer.

429

:

So Dr.

430

:

Morsette did the surgery

back at Tampa General.

431

:

Uh, puts an incision in me

probably four inches maybe.

432

:

And he goes, "Where do you want it?"

433

:

I said, "Doc, wherever you think it's the

most, the best for you to do your job.

434

:

I don't really care

about where the scar is.

435

:

I don't care if it's on my

bikini line or wherever it is.

436

:

It's not important to me.

437

:

What's important to me is that what

you do, you feel most comfortable with.

438

:

I can live with it."

439

:

So I got a little scar, and they put the,

uh, poop bag on me, and I'm blind still.

440

:

Remember, I'm still no vision.

441

:

So he let me stay at the hospital a

couple of extra days to get used to, to

442

:

the, the bag, so I didn't have to rush

home and have to deal with it there.

443

:

And so I got pretty good about

going to the bathroom, dumping

444

:

it, and, uh, ended up going home.

445

:

Had home healthcare come in and,

uh, change my, um, my little

446

:

poop bag every couple of days

447

:

And God bless.

448

:

I, I, I, I'm trying to think.

449

:

I don't-- I maybe had one incident

where when I was dumping it, I

450

:

kinda got it too soon and it didn't

get anywhere, just ended up in the

451

:

bowl, but I just kind of missed.

452

:

Not missed it, but just it messed…

453

:

It did make a mess.

454

:

It was a screw-up, but I think that

was the only instant on with that.

455

:

I was very conscious of it 'cause

I knew there's people around me,

456

:

and last thing you wanna do is have

your poop bag open up at dinner.

457

:

And I went out to dinner a few times where

people felt very uncomfortable with it.

458

:

But, uh, it was fine.

459

:

I had home health therapy.

460

:

The, the nurses were great that came in.

461

:

Um, but it was, it was another one

of those realities of life that had

462

:

it not been for Pete and myself,

you know, saying no to the VA on the

463

:

VA poop bag and really finding Dr.

464

:

Morissette, I could have been

sitting, I could be sitting here

465

:

right now with a poop bag on me

and, and not be healed from it.

466

:

So went through the surgery,

still blind, no vision.

467

:

The chemo radiation is all over.

468

:

Hip is still hurting like a mother.

469

:

And, uh, uh, went through my, um, therapy

470

:

Oh, wait a minute.

471

:

No, that one-- the first surgery, uh,

when I got done with my surgery in

472

:

Tampa on this one, they were gonna

put me in rehab and they were gonna

473

:

put me in Tampa and they said, "Well,

do you wanna be close at home?"

474

:

So yeah, I'll go.

475

:

So they took me to a

rehab center in Lecanto.

476

:

Now I'm out of surgery and they put

me in a meat wagon transport sitting

477

:

in a wheelchair for two hours,

and I just went through an ostomy.

478

:

So I'm sitting there with this poop

bag for two hours in an uncomfortable

479

:

wheelchair and this driver was just

terrible hitting every pothole.

480

:

So we get to the, um, the center there in

Lecanto and I'm not gonna mention names

481

:

but there, there are a bunch of them out

there and some are good, some are bad.

482

:

This one was okay.

483

:

I mean it was my first experience

in it And I got there and they said,

484

:

"Well w-we got n-" you know, "We

got one room and it'll be yours."

485

:

And you know fine so gave me a room and

uh nurses came in The bed was too short

486

:

For some reason I guess they got short

people So they had to get me a longer

487

:

bed They got me a longer bed Got that Got

some food And going to the bathroom You

488

:

know still got the bag on me But I still

used it to dump it and stuff Showering

489

:

was really a task trying to get a shower

Nurses would help Me aids would help

490

:

A couple months before then I don't

know if it was months before or maybe

491

:

a year before that Um person came into

my life and I was helping her through

492

:

some issues When she was going through

some stuff She was there supporting me

493

:

One afternoon I get balloons It said

something about bacon cheeseburger or

494

:

something like that Wendy's delivered

She had Wendy's deliver me a Bacon

495

:

cheeseIt was a good food But…You

496

:

just don't know who comes into your

life At what point time That make impact

497

:

There where so many people Who you

know Where there fore meBut th-she just

498

:

lightened that day up for meThat burger

comesAnd the balloonsand the foodAll that

499

:

stuffSo you knowGoing throughThe staff

thereExcellentThen therapyUh you gottaGet

500

:

up and goDo thisI go"Im not feelingLike

it""Not Feeling Like It""you Gotta

501

:

Get Up and Go"so i getUp and walkThey

goSlow downYour Going Too FastIsaid

502

:

Well Thats My GaitIDont Walk SlowIm

Not An Old Person Walking SlowEither

503

:

Im Gonna WalkOr Just Leave Me AloneSo

theyGot To The PointWhere II youKnow

504

:

Get UPAND I JUST GO WALK AND TAKETAKE

505

:

THE WALKER ANDTHEYGO YOU CANT SEE ISAID

ICAN SEETHEDOR ANDICANSEethe TILES

506

:

ANDIKNOWWHEREMYROOMIS AS LONG ASI DONTWALK

INTOANYBODYYOU KNOW WITHA NEEDLE IMGOOD

507

:

So, you know, therapy, got through

it, got home, got situated.

508

:

Again, no vision.

509

:

The chemo and radiation was done.

510

:

Um, I wasn't dealing with my

eyes at that point at all.

511

:

This is two years into it maybe, two

and a half years since I was blinded.

512

:

And, uh,

513

:

So end up going down to Tampa

a couple times to see Dr.

514

:

Morsette do an evaluation of, you

know, the, the, the surgery, the

515

:

procedure and everything went well.

516

:

And I, I think I was on the bag

for six weeks maybe, maybe a little

517

:

bit long, maybe three months.

518

:

I-I'm terrible about this and I get

yelled at all the time about not

519

:

knowing exactly the timelines and I

was gonna write these things down.

520

:

I didn't wanna make it sound scripted.

521

:

It, it was, it was a, it was a while.

522

:

I w-- it wa-- uh, I, I think it

was probably three months they had

523

:

me on until they g-they took me

back to Tampa to do the reversal.

524

:

That was the, the, the most interesting

aspect of it is I go in, Dr.

525

:

Morsette does the procedure again, takes

the bag off, stitches me up and that's it.

526

:

Uh, no more chemo, no more radiation.

527

:

Uh, my poop is now flowing but

it's in a shorter stream because

528

:

they took out some of the plumbing.

529

:

So now it's now getting used to going

to the bathroom at a different pace,

530

:

procedure process 'cause your system

is now has to readapt to this whole new

531

:

process 'cause it's all new plumbing.

532

:

Well, not new plumbing,

it's just been re-re…

533

:

It's been shuffled around a little bit.

534

:

And again still, I haven't

had surgery on my eyes.

535

:

I'm still blind

536

:

And with a lot of help from a

lot of friends and encouragement

537

:

from a lot of people.

538

:

You know, there were people there that,

you know, local and long distance who

539

:

encouraged me, uh, to keep fighting.

540

:

And I tried a couple times to get excited

about doing some recordings and podcasting

541

:

at the house, and I, I don't know if I…

542

:

Yeah, I was depressed, but I wasn't

depressed to where woe is me, I'm

543

:

gonna, you know, die or something.

544

:

It's, it-- I was depressed

because I couldn't do anything.

545

:

I was totally self-, um, having

to be in, in, in everyone else's

546

:

wheelhouse to help me out.

547

:

They had to help me everywhere.

548

:

I, I couldn't drive

549

:

And

550

:

my sister, I love her, you know,

she put up with a lot of shit.

551

:

It wasn't easy for me, and then she got

sick in the middle of that too one time.

552

:

She ended up, you know, with, with issues

with her health, and that wasn't good.

553

:

But I knew that

554

:

I had two choices.

555

:

I can do the old woe is me,

or I can be okay, what's next?

556

:

Let's go.

557

:

Let's do it.

558

:

So I'm healing from this, from the,

um, the surgery, from the, the uh poop

559

:

bag and everything was healing and

I asked the doctor, I said "Okay, do

560

:

you think I'm okay now to have my eyes

cataract-- Or eye surgery on my left eye?"

561

:

Which was blinded by a fricking

doctor in Crystal River that

562

:

was an asshole who did…

563

:

Misdiagnosed it for seven

months, eight months.

564

:

He goes, "Yeah."

565

:

so Um, uh, we were referred to,um, an

eye specialist through some friends

566

:

of mine who told me about some eye

doctors And I was telling Dr.,uh,

567

:

Morsette about my eye issue the day, the

day before surgery The doctor that did

568

:

my, uh, butt surgery My cancer surgery

Is in my room the next day doing his

569

:

visit And no It was the morning of the

surgery We were talking or something like

570

:

that He says, 'I got somebody for you.'

571

:

So I didn't think anything

of it Well, the next day

572

:

I'm recovering from the surgery that Dr.

573

:

Morissette did, and there were three

eye doctors in my hospital bedroom--

574

:

my hospital room examining my eyes.

575

:

Now, I just had butt surgery, cancer

surgery, my bag put on me, and I've

576

:

got these doctors looking at my eyes

trying to figure out what's going on.

577

:

And they told me what, you know,

what the- what they saw from

578

:

what they could see without, you

know, doing a heavy examination.

579

:

And they said, "Okay, well, we're gonna

set up an appointment for you to come

580

:

in and we'll do some preliminaries.

581

:

We know that you're going through

your cancer, but we'll kinda stage

582

:

it so that it doesn't interfere, but

we can kind of run parallel tracks."

583

:

And I said, "Thank you.

584

:

Thank you."

585

:

So go home, recovering from the, uh, the

cancer surgery, and intermittently I go

586

:

back down to Tampa, and I meet with Dr.

587

:

Espana, who was the, uh,

specialist there at Tampa General.

588

:

And he looked at my eyes and he

goes, "Man, we got a mess in there."

589

:

He goes, "The shingles really

tore up that cornea of yours."

590

:

I go, "Okay."

591

:

I said, "Well, what are my options?"

592

:

He goes, "Well, we can do a cornea

transplant, but we really can't do

593

:

anything now because you're still in the,

in the healing process of your cancer."

594

:

I said, "Oh, okay."

595

:

And, uh, he said, "We don't wanna

do anything to interfere with that.

596

:

We don't, you know, we don't

wanna cause any issues, so

597

:

you're just gonna have to wait."

598

:

So I waited patiently knowing that

there was possibly a, an, an option.

599

:

And, uh, he said, "Let's do this too.

600

:

Let's do a cataract surgery on

your right eye," which is my bad

601

:

eye, which was my kinda good eye.

602

:

So they did cataract surgery on

it, and my vision was pretty good.

603

:

I mean, it's not…

604

:

It's enough that if I were blind in my

left eye permanently, I could see to get

605

:

around, not to drive, not to read, but

at least see that I wouldn't walk into

606

:

a wall or someone could pull a trick at

me and, you know, do what they, uh, uh,

607

:

open up the manhole and me fall in it.

608

:

So, you know, I, I had vision in it enough

to be able to see the table, eat food

609

:

a- and not feel like a total invalid.

610

:

So we did that one first.

611

:

My sister took me down.

612

:

That was an in and out surgery that

morning, you're in, you're out and

613

:

done, and that one was healing.

614

:

But I was still in that window where

the doctor really didn't want to

615

:

do a lot more, um, on my other eye.

616

:

I said, "Okay."

617

:

I said, "When are we gonna do that?"

618

:

He goes, "Well-" Let's plan

on it in the next few weeks or

619

:

months," or whatever it was.

620

:

I mean, one of these days I'm

gonna sit down with a timeline.

621

:

I'm gonna etch this out once I feel

like I've got my head back on straight

622

:

'cause right now all this stuff is just

floating through my head and what's

623

:

helping is that I'm talking about it.

624

:

I do have papers and calendars that

I can go back and make reference

625

:

and, and put the, the TikToks down

of, of all this stuff because to

626

:

explain it like I'm doing now…

627

:

You think, "Oh, that

was a couple of weeks."

628

:

No, it was five years.

629

:

Five years of my life, uh, that, that--

ell, actually six years until:

630

:

Um, 2016.

631

:

2026.

632

:

Jesus, what year is it?

633

:

So I go in for the p- a pre-op on

the cornea transplant, and, uh, Dr.

634

:

Espina explained to me, you know, the

procedure and what they were gonna

635

:

do and how they were gonna do it.

636

:

And, uh, in the interim, I had

the hip done, my right hip.

637

:

Did I have my right hip done by then?

638

:

Yeah, I think I did, 'cause

I was walking with a cane

639

:

Yeah, 'cause I still had my, uh, eyes out.

640

:

So I had, I had a hip surgery

done in between there someplace.

641

:

Again, I'm gonna sit down in the

next few weeks and I've got the

642

:

TikTok and I've-- I, I'm, uh…

643

:

And if I, I will put it

in, in timeline form.

644

:

I'm just thinking from the top of

my memory and, and all the events

645

:

that occurred and, and all that.

646

:

So ended up going in to have, get my right

hip surgery done, which was really painful

647

:

as hell having to deal with that hip.

648

:

So I got that outta the way, got

the hip fixed, went to rehab and

649

:

they were telling me, "You gotta

exercise, you gotta do this."

650

:

And I go, "Just leave me alone."

651

:

So for a day or two they just

were g- trying to push me.

652

:

Then I would get up and they

go, "You're walking too fast."

653

:

I said, "Well take your choice either

you, uh, leave me alone or let me walk.

654

:

I'm not gonna shuffle my

little feet across the floor.

655

:

I wanna walk."

656

:

So that hip, the right

hip healed beautifully.

657

:

Good shape.

658

:

So Dr.

659

:

España explained to me the

cornea transplant process.

660

:

Basically you get a cadaver cornea

someone passed away and they donated

661

:

and I want to thank whoever it was in

heaven that they saved my eyesight.

662

:

He goes, "There's a 50/50 shot," when

he told me that and I said, "Let's go."

663

:

Uh, uh, even if he said 30% chance,

I would've still said, "Let's go."

664

:

And he, um, he said, "This is a

50/50 that it'll get rejected."

665

:

And I said, "Look at this

point what have I got to lose?

666

:

50% or no percent?

667

:

I'll take the 50%.".So,

668

:

and he was explaining the process

and the surgery and, and you know,

669

:

they-- It's not the cataract 'cause

I had the cataract surgery which

670

:

caused the shingles to flare up in my

left eye that the doctor misdiagnosed

671

:

in Crystal River at the eye clinic.

672

:

So it wasn't that, it was the cornea

had just gotten chewed up from 40

673

:

years of, you know, shingle on it.

674

:

So they go in there and they take out the

cornea, they skim it, I don't know h-.

675

:

I mean this is, this is micro

mini You can't even see this shit.

676

:

And he goes, "We're gonna

probably put 12 to 18 stitches."

677

:

Really?

678

:

Yeah.

679

:

He said, "You know, it might be a little

scratchy, it might be a little bit

680

:

irritating ,and we'll take them out one

by one if we need to, to, you know, to,

681

:

to r- relieve the pain if there is any."

682

:

And I said okay.

683

:

So getting a cornea transplant,

my right hip now I think is fixed.

684

:

I'm not sure, I don't

remember now if it is or not.

685

:

I'm at Tampa, and uh, they

take the uh, bandage off.

686

:

And he puts some drops to s- you

know, to clear it, and he says,

687

:

"Blink blink," and I blink blink and

I go, "Holy shit, I can see again."

688

:

And that's what happened to me in

Ta-- in uh, Gainesville when that

689

:

doctor scraped my eye years before she

scraped off whatever that was on the…

690

:

for the shingle there, and she did

the same thing but not the cornea.

691

:

Well, it was on the cornea but she scraped

it, and that's when I got to see for about

692

:

six to eight months and I got my driver's

license back in between all of that.

693

:

Kind of the same effect where I'm laying

there or sitting there in the chair and

694

:

he's scraping this stuff off and, and,

and um, you know, he takes the bandage

695

:

off and he goes, "Yep, open up your eye."

696

:

And I open it up and I

go, "Wow, I can see."

697

:

Now I'm sitting here in my uh,

studio bedroom, bedroom studio

698

:

At the, at the desk, at the console,

and I've got stuff all around

699

:

the room and signage, and all of

it's crystal clear to me today.

700

:

I don't need glasses.

701

:

Um, I have a contact, uh, that

I have to put in for a lens.

702

:

My vision was 20/60, 20/70.

703

:

If you know what that is,

that's basically blind

704

:

Without the contact that I'm wearing now,

it would be about 20/50, which is enough

705

:

to see but not enough to drive safely.

706

:

So he suggested that I get

a lens after the surgery.

707

:

Said, "Let it heal and then

let's get you into a lens."

708

:

And you can't use a soft lens, you

have to use what's called a hard lens.

709

:

So I go on YouTube reviewing what

a hard lens is and how it works

710

:

and what's its-- You know, what's

the advantage versus a soft?

711

:

Well, the soft lens

only goes on the retina.

712

:

This goes over the top of the cornea

so that you have a peripheral vision.

713

:

So I'm sitting here right now, and there

were days when I put the hard lens in…

714

:

It's a little hard to get in sometimes

because it's a whole different process

715

:

than you would do with a wet lens or the

little--- I mean, um, not a wet lens, but

716

:

a little contact lens 'cause there's…

717

:

Th-this is a hard, hard lens, and

you fill it with a solution, and

718

:

you've gotta be forty-fi- Forty-five?

719

:

Yeah.

720

:

Or you gotta be on a right angle.

721

:

I gotta have my head bent over flat

so that I can put this straight into

722

:

my eye so that it'll go over the

top of the cornea, and you gotta

723

:

put it in without blinking 'cause

if you blink, the lens will pop.

724

:

Not pop out, it'll fall on the table.

725

:

In my experience, the first couple

of times when they tried to teach me

726

:

how to do it in Gainesville, 'cause

that's where I ended up getting the

727

:

lens 'cause I could not find any place.

728

:

Uh, there was a place in Tampa, but

then I went up to Gainesville and found

729

:

a place in Gainesville at the s-the

center that I had been there before.

730

:

They were really great people up

there, and there was only one doctor

731

:

that did it, and she examined me.

732

:

She goes, "Yep."

733

:

So they put a temporary in

there for an examination and

734

:

she goes, "Wow, working good."

735

:

So they were able to get my vision

from twenty/fifty to twenty/thirty.

736

:

Twenty/twenty is perfect.

737

:

Twenty/thirty is really good vision.

738

:

And with this hard lens, if I

take it out right now, I can see.

739

:

Not great, but I can see.

740

:

So I had glasses prior to the-- a

lot of this episode going on that

741

:

had, you know, a good stigma t-you

know, had a good vision in it.

742

:

So I used those to get around the house

and if I, if I need to go someplace real

743

:

quick, I can probably drive carefully

and safely, but I try not to do it.

744

:

But I put the hard lens.

745

:

Now word of caution, if you ever

get a hard lens and you break

746

:

one, it's five hundred bucks.

747

:

I broke two.

748

:

Two.

749

:

I got impatient one day putting one in and

it popped 'cause I blinked and it just…

750

:

I don't know how it did,

it just broken to pieces.

751

:

Luckily it wasn't in my eye when

it broke, but it broke on the

752

:

table and I was so, so irritated.

753

:

This is the beginnings of

it, you know, months ago

754

:

And, uh

755

:

I, uh, pick up the second one to put it

in, and for some reason it just popped out

756

:

of my hand, hit the floor, and cracked.

757

:

So now I got no contact lenses

758

:

I got ahead of myself a little bit, but

go to Gainesville, get another contact.

759

:

I bought two.

760

:

I got two of them now and the

process has been great putting it in.

761

:

A little trying sometimes getting

it in there, uh, not blinking before

762

:

you get it in there, having enough

solution in there, keeping it clean.

763

:

Um, but that has given me my

life back as far as mobility.

764

:

Without that, I'd be stranded.

765

:

I, I forever would have been dependent

on everybody else for, you know, help.

766

:

And in the last nine months, I had

my other hip done, my left hip.

767

:

So I had the left hip done.

768

:

I was starting to have pain in that

and the doctor looked at it and took

769

:

X-rays said, "Let's get it now."

770

:

So now I have two new hips.

771

:

Uh, I got two cataract surgeries

and a cornea transplant,

772

:

and one, two, three, four…

773

:

Four surgeries concerning my cancer plus

chemo and radiation and all the others.

774

:

All this started in 2020 till today.

775

:

I'm not saying this for sympathy.

776

:

I'm not saying this for any reason other

than there's someone out there going

777

:

through some kind of issues in their life.

778

:

A lot of us will not tell you

about the things that are going on.

779

:

We don't need you to have to carry

the burden or the worry of it and

780

:

it's not that we don't want you to.

781

:

It's hard enough for the person who's

going through it to have to deal with it

782

:

then to have to tell people about it and

feeling guilty that I told you that I was

783

:

having this where you're gonna-- I don't

want you f- I don't, I don't need someone

784

:

to feel sorry for me or have pity on me.

785

:

I just want you to be there

when I was there for you

786

:

Can I say my life has been perfect?

787

:

No.

788

:

Have I made mistakes?

789

:

Yeah.

790

:

Will I continue to make mistakes?

791

:

I hope not.

792

:

I, I, I have had a semi-epiphany

the last five years about life.

793

:

I have a, a friend of mine who I've

known for years in, in Sarasota and she

794

:

made a comment to me, oh gosh, I think

about halfway through my chemo radiation.

795

:

She goes, "You've changed."

796

:

I go, "What do you mean?"

797

:

She goes, "You're not so

hard and brash and…"

798

:

And uh, I kinda forgot about that

799

:

I, um, sometimes come off bad

800

:

I, I don't know if it's ego or

if it's just stupidity or if

801

:

it's just part of my personality.

802

:

Uh, I, I should think quickl- more--

I should think better about what I'm

803

:

doing so that I don't hurt people.

804

:

It's not deliberate.

805

:

It, it, it's…

806

:

I don't know what it is.

807

:

And what sparked all this was

a special person in my life who

808

:

reminded me that life is short

809

:

And I, I don't wanna go to my

grave thinking that, you know

810

:

I've done something to somebody

or someones that hurt them.

811

:

I don't-- That's not my intention.

812

:

Yeah, I, I, I, I sometimes

can be an asshole

813

:

But I think I'm on a different

trajectory in my life.

814

:

Today was kind of a semi-awakening

815

:

I got up, had breakfast with

some friends, and they asked some

816

:

questions about some things, and I

answered them kind of haphazardly.

817

:

But I, I thank God that I'm here

818

:

Part of my refocus is to be an

advocate for people who, you know,

819

:

are in, maybe in the same boat

who don't know what to do, say

820

:

I don't know what else

I can do for anyone.

821

:

I can just say that don't,

don't take the first opinion.

822

:

If you feel uncomfortable, if there's

something in your, in your in your

823

:

system that says to you, "Man, I just

don't feel right about this," ask.

824

:

Don't be afraid to ask.

825

:

Don't be afraid to challenge.

826

:

Yeah, doctors are great, but

sometimes they do make mistakes or

827

:

they'll guide you to someone who

they can tell they can help you

828

:

I mean, I, I, I could have been, "Okay.

829

:

Yeah, go ahead and do it."

830

:

I mean, there was one hip doctor

that, that Pete and I went to see,

831

:

and it was a referral from a friend.

832

:

And I, I got to the point where I

could really tell how good a doctor

833

:

is by walking into their waiting room.

834

:

And I was blind and I couldn't

see, but I heard conversations.

835

:

It's interesting when you lose one sense

how some others will pick up for you.

836

:

So my sense of hearing went up.

837

:

"Peter, excuse me."

838

:

"Ah, you're not paying

attention, you're not hearing."

839

:

I used to get that from the

nuns in Catholic school.

840

:

That's why I got my knuckles

swatted with rulers all the time.

841

:

We walked into this waiting

room of this doctor,

842

:

and I'm hearing conversations, and I'm

hearing a lot of pain, anguish, um,

843

:

concerns, doubts about, you know, the

doctor, the procedure, what's going

844

:

on with their, you know, their lives.

845

:

And I'm just listening to all this stuff

going on, and we're waiting for the, uh,

846

:

for our, our appointment with the doctor.

847

:

And I had some stuff from the VA

'cause I had my hips shot at the VA.

848

:

They took some pictures of it, and

they suggested that, you know, I go get

849

:

the surgery done and recommended, you

know, this other doctor for the hip.

850

:

And so I g- I hand it to him.

851

:

He said, "Well, I don't need that.

852

:

I'm just gonna do my

own stuff w- my own…"

853

:

So I said, "Well, wouldn't it be

nice to have a baseline to look at?

854

:

See what they saw, and see

if it matches what you see?"

855

:

And he was really a jerk.

856

:

And I looked at Pete and I said,

"Let's get the fuck outta here."

857

:

I said, "Dude, go screw yourself."

858

:

We walked up and got out, and I just

looked at that waiting room thinking…

859

:

I'm-- Oh my gosh, I'm sorry about that.

860

:

I'm thinking that, you know,

here are these people in

861

:

this doctor's waiting room.

862

:

A-and it looked like a

863

:

Sunday special, you know, the

place is jammed up and last seat

864

:

and you don't get a place to sit,

you don't, you don't get served.

865

:

And it, it, it's just

like a meat factory to me.

866

:

And j- and, and, and looking at enough

doctor's offices that I've been to

867

:

That's a tell to me.

868

:

As soon as I walk into a doctor's office,

how many patients that are in there?

869

:

What are the conversations?

870

:

What do the staff look like?

871

:

How do they feel?

872

:

Um, and, and being blind through most of

this, your other senses really, really

873

:

chime in on what's around you, and it

made me very astute to what's going on.

874

:

Even when I went in for my chemo

radiations, you know, the nurses that

875

:

were taking care of me in the chemo

room or in the, in the, uh, in the, the

876

:

blood drawing room, you know, the blood

suckers , um, you know, you could tell

877

:

that they were happy where they were.

878

:

Uh, the, the, um, the

patients were talkative.

879

:

Yeah, there was a lot of pain and

agony i- especially in that chemo room.

880

:

Uh, that, that was, that was

probably the toughest experience of

881

:

everything despite the surgeries,

the hip pain, the eye surgeries.

882

:

Sitting in that room knowing that some

of those people were not gonna make

883

:

it, the chemo was their last resort,

and if it didn't kill whatever they

884

:

had in them, it was gonna kill them.

885

:

That was the hard one.

886

:

The eyesight, yeah.

887

:

Blindness, okay, I'll, I'll deal with it.

888

:

I got one eye that kinda works.

889

:

I can get around.

890

:

You can fix my hips so I don't have to

have pain and canes to walk around with.

891

:

Um, I may not be able to drive again.

892

:

Okay.

893

:

Um, but the, the, the, the eyesight

of everything was the most stressful

894

:

I mean, bar none.

895

:

Uh, of everything that I've done these

last six years, that had to be the hardest

896

:

surgery from the results end of it.

897

:

Like I said, the hip, they go in, put the

new ball in there, making sure you don't

898

:

do this, don't do that, take care of it.

899

:

And I, I, I…

900

:

You know, uh, after the s-

second, uh, hip surgery, Maureen

901

:

ma- you know, made a comment.

902

:

She goes, "You're not

using your cane anymore."

903

:

I go, "Nope, done."

904

:

Uh, I'm walking.

905

:

Uh, I'm now dealing with the neuropathy

in my feet, which is the next

906

:

little issue, and some teeth issues.

907

:

Uh, but I've got-- Because of

the chemo, it's moved down.

908

:

It's down to my ankles.

909

:

I, it's not…

910

:

I don't think it's…

911

:

It may be neuropathy, but I

got a funny feeling in my feet.

912

:

I can walk.

913

:

It doesn't hurt if I walk.

914

:

I can walk flat, almost flat.

915

:

But if I touch it or someone

else touches my feet, I go nuts.

916

:

So that's the, the next item on the list.

917

:

And then, uh, I've got, uh, some

teeth that need to be extracted.

918

:

That's another one.

919

:

Went to a dentist here locally

to, uh, get an evaluation.

920

:

So $5,000 to pull two teeth,

uh, that were crowned years ago.

921

:

But because there's a crown

there, you know, there's a whole

922

:

procedure they gotta do, and I, I

go, "I gotta find someone else."

923

:

So we started looking, and, um, I

got some, uh, referrals on that.

924

:

So the next two are, you know, to

deal with the, uh, the neuropathy in

925

:

my feet and get those crowns done.

926

:

And pretty much, I don't know, couple

of million dollars in, uh, surgeries and

927

:

procedures in the last six years maybe.

928

:

But I'm still here.

929

:

And that brings me back

to why am I still here?

930

:

Why am I still here?

931

:

August the 9th, 2020 is

when this nightmare started.

932

:

Here it is September 2026, a month

after my birthday of six years, five

933

:

years, six years, whatever the hell

it is, and I'm still walking, talking.

934

:

I can see

935

:

And parts of my life are moving forward.

936

:

Other parts took a hard left

937

:

I, I am deeply saddened that

938

:

I, uh, caused pain to a lot of

people, my sister, you know, others.

939

:

And it wasn't deliberately.

940

:

I, I, I can be a jerk, I know that

941

:

But I, I also know that

942

:

God has a purpose for me, a

reason why I'm still here, why

943

:

I still have pretty good health.

944

:

I go into a, you know, the exam

to see the doc, my local…

945

:

I'm 76 years old.

946

:

I know guys that are in their 60s that

have been, you know, put away wet.

947

:

I mean just whipped.

948

:

I mean just can't walk, got a cane.

949

:

I got rid of the cane.

950

:

As soon as that leg held-- The

other hip healed, I told Marie

951

:

te- "Let's g- uh, the cane's gone.

952

:

I'm done.

953

:

Done with the walker.

954

:

Cane's gone."

955

:

I've got good balance.

956

:

I've got vision.

957

:

I wish I could get my appetite back.

958

:

Uh, I have new, you know…

959

:

I, I keep on asking,

"Why am I still here?"

960

:

Why?

961

:

W- what's, what's my purpose?

962

:

What's my mission in life

from this point forward?

963

:

'Cause I know in the last six years,

there were people who I came across, uh,

964

:

at the VA hospital, at the cancer center,

in the hospital while I was doing my

965

:

other surgeries that are not here today.

966

:

They're gone.

967

:

They've passed.

968

:

Their ticket got punched

969

:

I paid the cover charge

970

:

You know, I, uh

971

:

I've got things I still wanna do

972

:

Will it be real estate related?

973

:

Yeah.

974

:

Uh, I, I still have that little

flame in my soul about real

975

:

estate, maybe to different degrees.

976

:

Uh, there are other things that

are on the horizon which at some

977

:

point I'll be free to talk about

and you're all gonna be shocked.

978

:

Personally, my life is

in a turmoil right now.

979

:

Not what I expected, and I'm deeply,

deeply, deeply hurt that I hurt someone

980

:

And it wasn't intentional, it

was just stupidity on my part.

981

:

I tend to, um, mess up

good things once in a while

982

:

This whole recording came about

in the beginning of a woe is

983

:

me, but it's not a woe is me.

984

:

It's about you.

985

:

If someone hears this and they go, "Wow,

I've got this going on in my life."

986

:

Let me think about this

differently because there is a

987

:

way to maybe have a better day.

988

:

I didn't know.

989

:

I mean, I didn't know if I was

gonna live past, uh, the chemo and

990

:

the radiation or the surgery or

the eye surgeries or my cancer…

991

:

You know, the hip surgeries.

992

:

I mean, at any moment in time,

you could have been checked out

993

:

And I've said this for years, and it's

an old thing that, you know, everyone

994

:

says, you know, "Yesterday's gone.

995

:

Can't do a thing about it."

996

:

I'm sorry about yesterday.

997

:

Yeah, I, I could have done better.

998

:

You know, we all could.

999

:

I mean, no one's perfect.

:

01:02:33,606 --> 01:02:35,375

We-- You know, we all

mess up at some point.

:

01:02:36,145 --> 01:02:40,385

Yeah, you know, I, I know, I, I,

I know that during my processes

:

01:02:40,385 --> 01:02:42,895

with a few people, they probably

got a little irritated with me.

:

01:02:43,495 --> 01:02:49,465

And a couple times, you know, I was not

very nice, but I was also scared because

:

01:02:50,685 --> 01:02:52,916

I had three catastrophic illness…

:

01:02:52,935 --> 01:02:55,365

Not illnesses, but

yeah, whatever they are.

:

01:02:55,646 --> 01:02:59,735

I had three things in my life going on

simultaneously in a short period of time.

:

01:02:59,745 --> 01:03:03,236

Usually, people have a span of a lifetime

with it, you know, situations where they

:

01:03:03,236 --> 01:03:06,395

get something happens to them, and it

goes away, and then you have your….

:

01:03:07,106 --> 01:03:08,595

I had it all hit at once.

:

01:03:10,286 --> 01:03:14,746

I don't know if this was a wake-up

call from God as to, "Okay, kid, you

:

01:03:14,746 --> 01:03:16,155

know, you fucked up too many years.

:

01:03:16,295 --> 01:03:20,745

Here, I'm gonna straighten you

out real quick," and he kinda did

:

01:03:23,320 --> 01:03:25,070

Made me realize what's most important

:

01:03:29,496 --> 01:03:33,286

What's important that, uh, you go

through life not hurting people.

:

01:03:34,856 --> 01:03:36,296

You help people as best you can.

:

01:03:37,306 --> 01:03:38,586

Some people you can't help.

:

01:03:39,316 --> 01:03:40,276

They just don't want it.

:

01:03:41,645 --> 01:03:43,096

And others, well

:

01:03:46,030 --> 01:03:48,160

I've had good support

from a lot of people.

:

01:03:49,580 --> 01:03:54,820

I gotta say that, you know, other than a

few medical people during the-- You know,

:

01:03:54,820 --> 01:03:56,710

during the process who were kinda crappy.

:

01:03:56,870 --> 01:03:57,110

They're…

:

01:03:57,120 --> 01:03:58,570

You know, no one's perfect.

:

01:03:59,089 --> 01:04:03,229

You know about the one person come

draw blood on me one night in the

:

01:04:03,229 --> 01:04:05,659

middle of the night, you know,

the 3:00 AM draw blood thing.

:

01:04:06,059 --> 01:04:06,970

Stabs me in the arm.

:

01:04:07,010 --> 01:04:10,459

I mean, really literally stabbed

me in the arm and I screamed.

:

01:04:10,460 --> 01:04:13,029

I said-- I go, "Dude, I've been

stabbed, I don't know, a couple

:

01:04:13,030 --> 01:04:14,369

hundred times, and you are the worst.

:

01:04:14,370 --> 01:04:17,040

Get the fuck away from me right

now or I'm gonna punch you out."

:

01:04:17,079 --> 01:04:18,029

And I couldn't even see him.

:

01:04:19,350 --> 01:04:26,270

So there, there, there have been a few

instances like that, but overall, 99.98%,

:

01:04:26,960 --> 01:04:32,279

everyone who I had contact with in any

of the procedures or the follow-ups

:

01:04:32,279 --> 01:04:33,720

or the appointment were great.

:

01:04:33,788 --> 01:04:36,159

I mean, yeah, they have bad

days, and you know what?

:

01:04:36,159 --> 01:04:37,160

I didn't take it out on them.

:

01:04:37,859 --> 01:04:41,369

I mean, I'd see patients yelling at

some of these staff people, and all

:

01:04:41,370 --> 01:04:43,699

they're doing is doing their job

trying to help you get through this

:

01:04:43,710 --> 01:04:49,219

process, and there was some really nasty

people yelling at these poor, uh…

:

01:04:50,419 --> 01:04:51,209

They're not nurses.

:

01:04:51,210 --> 01:04:54,869

The aides or whoever they were,

the staff at the, at the desk, you

:

01:04:54,869 --> 01:04:57,860

know, checking 'em in or checking

'em out or whatever they were doing.

:

01:04:58,250 --> 01:05:00,760

There were j- There were some nasty

people, and I'm thinking, "Well, I know

:

01:05:00,760 --> 01:05:03,329

you're in pain and agony and you're

concerned about what's going on in

:

01:05:03,329 --> 01:05:04,809

your life, but it's not their fault."

:

01:05:05,799 --> 01:05:06,788

Don't take it out on them.

:

01:05:06,788 --> 01:05:09,669

Don't take it out on

your family, you know?

:

01:05:10,309 --> 01:05:19,529

Um, it, it, it just, it, it, it

makes you wake up that life's short.

:

01:05:20,538 --> 01:05:22,889

Like I said, yesterday's gone.

:

01:05:23,739 --> 01:05:28,589

There's no guarantee that I get this

podcast, uh, posted tonight at midnight,

:

01:05:28,589 --> 01:05:29,859

'cause that's when I put 'em out there.

:

01:05:30,429 --> 01:05:31,629

I'm gonna not edit it.

:

01:05:31,969 --> 01:05:33,339

I'm just gonna post it raw

:

01:05:36,182 --> 01:05:40,422

And if it gets out there, it's out there,

and if I'm dead tomorrow, hey, it's there.

:

01:05:40,602 --> 01:05:43,031

If I die between now and then,

it's gonna be in the machine.

:

01:05:43,352 --> 01:05:45,952

Maybe someone will listen

to it and, and post it.

:

01:05:46,672 --> 01:05:49,611

But, you know, there, there's

no guarantee tomorrow.

:

01:05:50,252 --> 01:05:52,221

All I know is I'm talking right now

:

01:05:54,968 --> 01:05:57,698

And I'm hoping that someone listens.

:

01:05:59,648 --> 01:06:05,658

And if you'd like to share your

story, I would love, love for you

:

01:06:05,658 --> 01:06:07,168

to sit down with me and we talk.

:

01:06:08,498 --> 01:06:14,508

Because if you and I can share our

experiences and help one person through

:

01:06:14,508 --> 01:06:17,727

some really tough times, not only the

person but their family, their friends,

:

01:06:18,077 --> 01:06:22,128

make them under- help them understand

what you're going through, it can't hurt.

:

01:06:23,878 --> 01:06:25,198

So it's an open invitation.

:

01:06:25,727 --> 01:06:28,118

Uh, my information is on the podcast site.

:

01:06:28,548 --> 01:06:30,178

You got my name and my number there.

:

01:06:31,028 --> 01:06:33,607

Call me, text me, phone me, whatever

:

01:06:35,630 --> 01:06:40,970

Because I think that's one of my, my, my

parting dedications as part of my life

:

01:06:40,970 --> 01:06:49,750

cycle is to, um, take my experiences

that I've had and, uh, talk about them

:

01:06:53,196 --> 01:06:59,136

I don't know many people that would

open up their lives to everyone.

:

01:06:59,706 --> 01:07:00,896

I have nothing to hide.

:

01:07:01,416 --> 01:07:02,755

Yeah, I've screwed up.

:

01:07:03,186 --> 01:07:04,516

Everyone has in their lives.

:

01:07:05,836 --> 01:07:09,436

But at this point in life, all

I wanna do is try to make things

:

01:07:09,436 --> 01:07:12,756

better for the people that are

around me and the people that I meet

:

01:07:18,020 --> 01:07:20,590

So yesterday is gone.

:

01:07:21,420 --> 01:07:23,040

Tomorrow's not guaranteed.

:

01:07:24,090 --> 01:07:25,520

We have today.

:

01:07:26,189 --> 01:07:27,380

This is Vinnie DiRosa,

:

01:07:29,430 --> 01:07:30,980

and thank you for listening.

:

01:07:31,300 --> 01:07:31,899

God bless you

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Show artwork for Vinnie De Rosa AKA Cuzin Vinnie

About the Podcast

Vinnie De Rosa AKA Cuzin Vinnie
CuzinVinnieNetwork.com
Welcome to the Cuzin Vinnie Network, with weekly shows that ask the question, did you know that? real estate education, real estate industry insights, food, fun, failure and maybe some future predictions with straight talk no BS.

I’m your host Vinnie De Rosa, Cuzin Vinnie your Cuzin in the Real Estate Podcast World, the podcast network that is part real estate education -oriented podcast host where you can get your career off on the right track completely free. Plus, fun stuff just to make it exciting to listen, cause you can never know what is coming out of my head and mouth.

Thank you so much for joining me on the Cuzin Vinnie Network. Remember to tell your friends that the show is available to listen to on any app that supports podcasts.

If you’re wondering what the best next step to take for your real estate future is, whether you’re a new agent or veteran agent I’ll help you to diagnose the main issue holding your growth back and give you access to me for free. YES free! You can email me at vinnie@vinniederosa.com

Contact me, Cuzin Vinnie, your personal tour guide. I look forward to helping you find things to do, a place to live or grow your business.

My cell phone is always on 888.286.2861 Contact me even if you have just a simple question at 888.286.2861

REMEMBER "YOU CAN GET EVERYTHING IN LIFE YOU WANT IF YOU WILL JUST HELP ENOUGH OTHER PEOPLE GET WHAT THEY WANT." ZIG ZIGLAR

P.S. go to my website VinnieDeRosa.com